What if you could walk again?

by Ashleigh Justice

What do you say to a person who has just lost everything? Do you tell them that they’ll get used to it? Do you lie and say it will be just as it was before? Will they even listen?

The possibility of walking again was something I painfully accepted would never come. I would never march in the marching band, I would never walk on the beach, I would never dance at prom and would always be stared at for being different. It’s a pain that I choked down several years ago, when surviving meant moving on and trying to live for the day. “I could have died that day (after the car accident) but I didn’t so I am not going to lose my life while I am still living.” That thought became my daily motivator.

In the first couple years after the car accident, I was ashamed of myself and of the disability I couldn’t walk away from. It’s a drowning sorrow, like being held down in a rushing river. To escape it, I gave up everything related to it. I ran from reality and sought to defy everything that reminded me of my spinal cord injury. I took on sports, dated indiscriminately, went wild on occasion. But I mentored others and in that way, I did a service to my heart because I was able to show, more to my self than the person who was in my once broken state, that I was able to get back some sort of life. Even if it meant that I would have to recreate it.

So now, what do you say to someone who has moved on? Someone whose sorrow has lifted and who no longer sees the ghosts of the past? Walking again was something that I packed away with all of the other things that hurt me deeply. I thought I had handled all of those stages of grief that Keubler-Ross described until there grew a whisper- Someone was working, really working, to cure spinal cord injuries. I met that someone, Dr. Wise Young, a couple years ago when he came to Arizona for the Will2Walk conference. I didn’t really think the conference was going to be all that promising because for years people have been beating the rallying drum of curing paralysis. But something happened that I didn’t expect. I cried.

I cried because of the genuine love for his patients I felt from Dr. Young as he described what research they were doing and why they believe it will at least have a positive impact, if not, be the cure. But they were still a ways off so, again, I put it back into that dark corner of my mind but with a nightlight this time- maybe there was a possibility…

Although I haven’t heard of any groundbreaking cures just yet, here is an article a friend posted on my Facebook wall a couple days ago. It brought back those feelings of disbelief and skepticism but also that warm comfort of hope. Dr. Young is still at it! If there is one person I believe could cure spinal cord injuries, it’s him.

http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/features/article/doctor-looks-to-china-for-spinal-injury-cure

“So, what would you do if you could get back just one day of walking.” My husband once asked me.

I would take the entire day and dance with my son. I would hike with my husband and go drive a Ferrari. I would run with my dog, chase a butterfly, maybe even find some old high school buddies and make a throw together parade, me holding that damn pair of cymbals. If I could walk again, I would live like the next day wouldn’t come. Because, at one time, it almost didn’t.

My question to readers is, What would you do if you could walk again? I know it can be seen as an insensitive question but for me, answering it gave me such feelings of joy. It’s like dreaming of that amazing mansion we would like to own, as we go to work every day. It may be a fantasy, it may be a reality. But what would you do if you could walk again?

Mommy Lesson 3) Let’s Be Honest, Here

It’s funny how “Being Honest” can be such a challenging topic to talk about. I overestimated my abilities, here, and thought I could crank out an article about honesty and parenting in 30 minutes. Instead, it took talking to other parents, running a poll on Facebook, and really delving into my thoughts and memories to be able to break it down to size.

The truth is…

Mommy Lesson 2) Trusting Yourself

It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. ~Joyce Maynard

So, how many parents have woken up in a sweat over a nightmare? No, not a nightmare involving zombies, witches, or rogue mangy black birds but one of failing. Failing to keep our little ones safe, fearing to watch them tumble down steps or out of our arms, and failing to comfort a cry or keep them safe from those zombies or birds or the badguy robberman? It can be paralyzing in it’s own right!

There were times when I felt depressed because I thought I couldn’t be the mother I wanted to be for my son. I spun negative images of me dropping him or of him crying because all I could do is stare at him. But, much like learning how to trust myself when doing a chair transfer without a slide board for the first time, I had to trust myself that I would be a good mom. I could still be there for my son and he would still meet his developmental milestones, even if I couldn’t do everything an “able-bodied” mother could.

Being there for my son has become the most important developmental tool in my belt. Paying attention to the things he needs and showing him my love with doing as much as I could do tells him that he is special. Even if it’s simple, like letting him ride on my lap, acting goofy to make him laugh, or playing peek-a-boo through the slats on his crib, as long as I am there for him, I cannot fail! Like the saying goes, in life it’s the little things that matter most.

Next week: Mommy Lesson 3) Be honest!

Parenting: So many lessons, so little time

Ever misdiagnose a cry for hunger as a cry for a nap? Or fallen asleep while draped over the side of a co-sleeper, feeding an infant at 3am? Ever thought “I can’t do this” only to discover that you can do much more than you give yourself credit?? Am I just talking about my self?? In any case, these past 8 months of motherhood have been an amazing experience but definitely full of lessons, trials & errors, and at times very funny mishaps (that we can laugh at now).

Starting today and for the next couple months, I will be blogging once a week about being a parent with quadriplegia: the ups, the downs, and the unexpected benefits and challenges. I welcome your stories, comments, questions and suggestions. If you’re a parent with a disability or a spouse of one, please send me your stories and own lessons learned!

And now, on to the series, Parenting: So many lessons, so little time

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Forward Motion: Wrapping my mind around parenthood

I remember the moment when I decided that I wanted to have a child. I was with my mother on vacation and we stopped in at one of those malls with an ice-skating rink. On the ice, there just happened to be a group of kindergarten-age little boys dressed up in hockey uniforms, shimmying and sliding and falling on their butts. It was the most adorable thing I had seen in a long time. I had made up my mind at that moment that parenthood was something I wanted to experience with my husband and I.

I hadn’t had any fear regarding that decision until that little plus sign showed up. Then the only thought that went through my head for a good couple hours after was “oooh sh*t.” I had no idea what I had got myself in to. The pregnancy went well (with the exception of some challenges, which I will probably blog about later) and in no time at all, we were welcoming our new little son to this great big world.

Parenting with a disability, as I am discovering, is one heck of a teaching tool for how to become a better person. It can show you what you are really capable of when you think you are at the end of you rope; it can teach you to trust in your abilities when you think you’re about to fail; and it helps you to be humble and acknowledge when it is time to say “I might need some help.” Most of all, parenting is the greatest experience I could have ever hoped for. I have learned the most from other mothers, both with disabilities and without, and we all seem to come up with similar gems of wisdom, no matter our ability.

Mommy Lesson #1) When there’s a will, there’s a way!

I am a mother with a disability- Kind of incredible in and of itself. I use a wheelchair to get around, I have limited use of my hands, poor balance, and yet, I am a mother. I did jump into it with a little bit of arrogance, thinking that it would be easier than what it is but I’ve discovered that the same mantra I used to motivate myself in the early years of using a wheelchair, applies here. When there is a will, there is a way!

As everyone has discovered at some time in their lives, the Way may not exactly be what one expected. The Way may be Wait (as in, be patient), or Rest (as in, recharge your batteries), or the Way may be “Just Do It!” Or sometimes the Way is Help. Whichever Way fate chooses, when you let your Will direct your motion, there is nothing you can’t achieve. Nothing has driven this lesson home to me more than being a parent.

So, if you find that you are running in to wall after wall, maybe it’s time to change your path. It’s time to seek advice, think critically, or just break yourself out of the funk. One big life lesson I have learned is that if you change your attitude, the world around you will change, too.

Next week: Mommy Lesson #2) Trusting Yourself